Remember this

                                                                               remembrance

This place, this people, this night. My 50th birthday stands out as one of the best. We ate and drank and played all night long. It's also one of the last times. My arm started to hurt about a month later,  and my hand started to rebel soon after. I had to quit performing. If I could play again I think I could cope with everything else.

Deadlines

If I was writing a book or a newspaper article I'd  be working with a deadline.  Applying for a grant and filing taxes require living with deadlines.   Carrying a mortgage for a home comes with a deadline.  Life is full of deadlines.

So when a person is given a diagnosis of terminal illness with a prognosis of about 5 years left, is that not living with a deadline? I'm talking about living. Laugh, talk, sing, draw, paint, play is all life.  That's what I want.  More nerf games, more suppers, more giggling children, weddings, books, worship, movies and such make life what it is.  Living and learning, right? It's a bit harder for me - I'm slow, uncoordinated and tired - but I want all of it.  There are times when having CBD is all I think about.  Wouldn't you think about being so dependent on others that you can't use the toilet alone? Or being unable to hold your grandchild or kiss your spouse? That's what I'm looking at.  In the end I'm told it could be pneumonia that takes my life because I won't be able to cough.  I can't help thinking about these things. As much as I try I can't forget that the doctors believe that's what is coming.  I already can't play fiddle or anything else. Sometimes I can't sing either, because my swallow rhythm isn't quite right.  How do I possibly forget that it's likely to get worse?

In the between times I want to find any little bits of joy that I possibly can.  I want to work to meet that deadline and even push it ahead 20 years if I can. Only God knows my times for sure, though,  and I'm good with that.

Company

I realized today that the days that I have people to talk to are better days.  I also realized that being sick isolates me.  Bit of a trick, that is.  Talk is good but People are scared so they stay away.  How do I encourage them? Must I repeat the no - pity rule over and over till we all have fun? Today the conversation was good books, vacations, relationships, trust and other ordinary things.  The only mention of my illness was when I flinched trying to move in my chair and when attempting to carry the tea tray. Some things are too much. My job at the health food store, for instance.  Tomorrow is my last day.  I love that little store.  The staff and customers are great but I need all the energy I have for my family and my home.
I'll miss them all.

Poor sleep is a big deal.  Hope tonight is a good one.

Sleepless

http://www.kevinathompson.com/dangerous-assumption-gods-will/


I just read this.  My sleeplessness thoughts.

This winter has been tough

This winter has been tough. Finally, a diagnosis, and now, how to live with it? What do you do with a 5 year deadline? I've been thinking about it for a few months and it seems to talk is the thing. Since there are few who would really enjoy hearing all I have to say I'll write instead. You, dear reader, please join me through prayer and conversation. I'd like to say 'let's keep it positive' but how do you do that when you're talking about death? What I really want to know is how to do life knowing I'm facing death. Living while dieing, that sort of thing.

This is the challenge:

My dreams are shattered by the prospect of a too-short life. I thought, like most do, that I'd live to be old, but it's not going to happen apparently. There are questions rolling around my head that I expect I'll never answer. Is it true? Might God heal me? Why would He or not? What good is there in this suffering? Are health and wealth the good that God gives or is it just my narrow vision that calls it good? Or maybe it's what I call bad that is really good?

My big God answers big questions. 

life's setting sun is sinking low

a few more days and I must go

to meet the deeds that I have done

where there will be no setting sun.