Monday

Monday has traditionally been a work day for me. These days Monday finds me melancholic. Energy is low and inspiration is lower than that. I try -reading,  thinking,  pondering, praying -but some days,  like today,  I find nothing. I've always been somewhat analytic so of course I'm trying to figure this out.  So much of my life is so different from normal that the new normal  makes no sense. My feelings can't be allowed to dominate but they crowd me into a corner, alone. I'm overwhelmed with cares and circumstances. I'm tired and sore.  I don't know what I need.

Stuck inside illness.

Saturday

Saturday has always been a good day for me. The work is over for a time and focus turns to each other. It occurred to me today that in the current very-different state of affairs that Saturday hasn't changed. We still sleep a little longer and eat a little slower. We go to the market or the thrift store, and almost always look at flowers somewhere. It's pleasant, this meandering. Today at the market the physiotherapist's words echoed in my ears: you need a cane. Huh? Me? I've noticed a few times that I would feel better with a little support. There is no wall at the market after all.  My gimpy hand also reminds me that I need a bag to carry things in comfortably, and I need a wallet that's easy to get to.  The potter who I spoke with saw my difficulty and kindly offered assistance. I'm glad she did but oh,  I wish it wasn't so noticeable.  The tea guy did too. The fellow who makes walking sticks knew exactly what I need and offered custom work to provide it.  Maybe I'll start developing a singular persona of My Style. Color,  crazy hair,  cane,  home made bags,  funky skirts...... I could do that. Then I would be a character,  not sick. I wonder if I could pull it off?

As I listened to the band play at the market I was brought back to my youth. Jazz was everything at the time  and my trumpet was my passport. I loved performing!  A melancholy so huge falls on me it's as if the sun no longer shines. I come home and listen to my current favorites and cry that my fingers will no longer fiddle.  I'm so sad about that I don't know what to do except keep listening and let the music fix me. Then God speaks peace and I'm ok again. Will I ever hear and not feel bad, I wonder?

Gifts are many: wonderful new flowers at bargain prices,  freebies,  warm sun,  sweet chatter from a wee girly full of zest and curiosity,  kind words, good music,  good food....   It's endless. I hope I look rightly.

Happy

Packing, traveling, visiting and settling into another space takes a lot of energy! It's been a terrific whirlwind.  Adding a very bad viral thing on top of resident limitations increases confusion and sports worry of all kinds: how is this going to work? Can I cope? What about my children left behind? Is this just a cold? How do I use that tub without falling? And so it goes....... But it's been good too.

A friend put something on Facebook about a challenge to post a happy photo every day for 100 days.  Designed to encourage positive thought it looked like a good idea.  It's been tough, honestly.  The last two weeks have been particularly trying.  Anyone saying good bye to home, but going home too, would feel the same.  Talk about confusion! Where is home anyways? Yeah.  So focusing on happy is good.

You know what? It's working.  A full day in bed felt nothing good,  but being supported and free to stay in bed sure was.  Saying good bye was very sad but meeting up with people here is awesome.  This little project with a simple daily goal has helped accomplish the'count your blessings' rule that is so valuable to a contented life.  It's a learned skill. Like many other life lessons learning to be content comes on the tail of hardship, but without the trial life would be dull. These latest hard days are part of the same lesson. The trial is a little different but the lesson that I can be content in the midst of it is nothing new. 

Today is my wedding anniversary.  32 years of change hasn't changed our desire to love each other.  We fail, often.  Bad stuff happens.  We move on and keep counting our blessings. We have 6 wonderful children.  We know how to share our passions and our pains.  We forget the right stuff,  and remember the best.  We engage in life and people, and eternal matters more than now. We are blessed. I am happy.