Struggles can be called difficult or they can be called challenging. They demand change, however you look at it. I'm resisting. Change usually comes easily for me but now it's more of a letting go of good and accepting bad, and I just don't want to. It will be forced on me I'm sure, because my desire to challenge is breaking. Like the bucking horse I'm wearing out. I wish I could say I'm fighting. I'm angry - that's a typical response in grief I'm told - but I am losing the will to fight. How can I be resisting but not fighting? I don't want it to be true so I resist admitting my weakness, then my pathetic attempt at some simple chore yells SICK at me and I crumble. I keep trying, doing a lot less than a good job, crashing from the effort and trying again. So it goes. I find myself comparing today to yesterday, depressed. It feels impossible to reinvent my life. Are there disciplines rewarding enough that I would pursue them? Reading, for instance. Maybe a specific list is in order. Could I become a Bible scholar or a music historian? Write a book?
I get great ideas and then I get tired. Holding this tablet makes writing painful. A book? Equally difficult to hold. I can hold a paint brush but not the thing to paint. If I figured that out how would I learn the necessary skills to create something worth looking at? This self talk goes on and on and answers are not coming. I'm sure anyone listening says"enough whining already" (readers here too) but, well, I need understanding.
As my family prepares for our yearly party I lament my inadequacy. It began on our 25th anniversary. It's always been my 'thing' and now watching from the side, coaching (sorta) and complaining that is not quite right, is making me grumpy.
