I first met Jesus at a little Nazarene Sunday School when I was not quite four years old. At the time He looked like the lady who welcomed me at the door every week. She taught me to sing Jesus Loves Me and I knew it was true. She told me that even though I had no daddy that I could be glad because Jesus was my daddy, too, and I knew it was true because I talked to Him often. Later on she made sure that I went to camp every summer and it was there that I claimed Him as my Saviour.. At ten years old I was very aware that life was hopeless. Without Him I knew I wouldn't survive, and with Him I knew I would.
My stepfather, however, I wasn't so sure of. He was a bad guy and proved it by regular visits to my bedroom. I survived because I knew Jesus loved me. His life, death and resurrection became more and more real as I clung to the truths of scripture and sang the songs of salvation. Running away wasn't an option but I did move out as soon as I could. Turns out it wasn't far enough and I ran, four days west by train to Nanaimo. University was not my goal but that's where I ended up. Life as a christian was very lonely in that secular school so I began the search for godly friends. I found Nanaimo Alliance Chapel. The pastor introduced me to Kathleen, and Kathleen introduced me to John.
Life was good. Jesus loved me and so did John. What more could I want? A baby, of course! We quit study for a while to see if the doctor was right, that we would not have children. Six months later and a diet change and I was expecting our first baby. Twists and turns of Life With Kids took us back and forth from Vancouver Island to Three Hills as we sought to do God's will. Bible school here, ministry there, rest here and so on. John's ministry was teaching carpentry on the local reserve; mine was raising my 6 kids. With a background of abuse and neglect it was no surprise that I wasn't good at it at first, but I became good at it by turning my eyes to Jesus. He used every one of twelve pregnancies to show me more and more of Himself, especially during times of loss. My babies, born or unborn, were how He matured me. Life With Kids was a lot of me saying 'I can't' and Him saying 'I can, dear daughter. I can', and He did. We raised up a fine group of men and women I think, Jesus, John and I.
In 2012 I turned 50, my oldest child was 27 and my youngest was 13. My ministry by this time had turned a little towards music. Since discovering that I was emboldened to go anywhere with a musical instrument in my hands I took every opportunity to do so, sharing the love of Christ as I went. I loved it! That spring after turning 50 I was busy homeschooling, teaching music, playing in the worship band and in a bluegrass band. Then, after a few too many performance mistakes, I knew something was terribly wrong. I quit everything I was doing and waited. God lead the girls and I back to Three Hills for them to finish school and spend time with their brothers. I planned on being Mom and to deal with whatever was ailing me.
After what seemed like an eternity of testing and inquisition I had a diagnosis. Corticobasal Degeneration was what was making my hands not cooperate. Soon my walk was impaired as well, and I was crying 'I can't '. Jesus said 'I can, dear daughter. I can. Underneath you are my everlasting arms.' When I am frustrated with increasing loss of ability- I need everything done for me now - He remains faithful. When I am reminded that life is short - I'm told I won't see 60 - I think about how beautiful heaven is and savour the moments here instead of the years. When I despair- I do - He sends some sort of sweetness my way. It is humbling to realize that I am one of the shut-ins that I prayed for as a youth. I often feel like a prisoner in my body because the real me is locked up with twisted muscles refusing to do my will, and a hyper-sensitive nervous system, unable to serve or play or care for anything or anyone, easily over stimulated and tired. I long for what used to be but I'm learning to be content with what is. I'm learning to share God's love through conversation,story and online communication instead of music. I'm not not nearly as good at talking or writing as I am music but it's what I have so I'll use it.
My world is very small now but it is full. Family , friends, caregivers and acquaintances come in and out of our little place bringing kindness and cheer, and a lot of God's love. It looks like Bible Study, house cleaning, baking, groceries, laundry runs, info on what's going on, prayer, funny stories, meals, driving, exercise and lots of tea and talk.
What I have left to share is my life-long conversation with Jesus. It is enough.
He is enough. Amen.
