Okay, so. Now you are acquainted with the reason for my grief. Grief means loss, though in our culture we are acquainted with only the death context of the word. By the way, if you are inclined (please, someone, be inclined) I want you to join me in studying the affects of life and loss as opposed to death and loss. We will all suffer death. I want to promote understanding death as a natural part of human life. To prepare for the cessation of one’s life and embrace the process as readily as we do birth would be great gain. I want to help erase the fear and embrace (really? Really!) and enjoy the process. I intend to enjoy my life and I want People alongside to help me do it. There is much to be gained, Friend.
Back to grief, a little look at the good parts:
My 2 1/2 year old grand girl was here today.She’s quite the kid! She is the only newborn that I’ve known to hold her head up.She is always cheerful, physical and awake to the wonders of the world. Our family and her fan club (another first. She has always had fans.) enjoys and encourages every accomplishment. Would it not be the strangest thing to decide that she is not worth watching, caring for and enjoying her? Absurd, right? Yet we do that to the ill and the elderly when we forget them or hide them in care homes. Grand girl will turn 3 soon and then one day she will read, write and calculate. Eventually our dear little one will graduate from college and live her adult life, acquiring more knowledge, skill and experience. Maybe she’ll raise children of her own, or do something equally wonderful, and her People will come to her birthday parties and be glad. The ill and the elderly garner little of that attention. Why?
At what point is it written into our lives to stop watching and rejoicing with her? Is it a particular birthday or event? Retirement? Parties share our congratulations and the happy belief that it is now possible to do that special thing in your old age. Oh. Yes. There we are. Old age. Now our young one is old.
By retirement age you have gained and lost friends, earned and lost money, won and lost battles. Life makes sense and confidence keeps you interested and active. But, you are older enough that you notice the slowing down and the argument from your aging body, reminding you. You are old. There’s no denying it. Maybe you resent that soccer injury. It really hurts now! Maybe your career kept you on your feet for too long, adding insult and injury to your shift-induced sleep issues. Still, you meet with friends and commiserate, you exercise, stretch and watch your diet. You take holidays. You take care of yourself. You sometimes miss a friend’s absence at your group coffee visits. Oh, here’s one back in his usual chair but you forget to inquire. It’s all you can do, really, to take care of yourself. You will hear about your friend through the grapevine anyway.
Aaanndd....there! We have it. Self.
Now, before you argue in angry text or insist that you really do care, I am not placing blame. I cast no dispersions on anyone. I am sharing my observations from People watching over the last eight years. I chose 8 years as the beginning of this study because that’s when I started having issues with playing violin, then mandolin. Soon after, I couldn’t hold down the strings on the wonderful guitar that I hoped would lengthen my music days. We all shift our focus. One day we’re busy with others, serving them and caring for them. As time goes by, a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest, and without noticing it we are focused on our selves exclusively. Quietly, imperceptibly, we stopped paying attention. We’re all guilty. We’ve allowed care of our selves to become important. If you think you aren’t this way, locate a group photo. Who did you look for first? Yourself, right?
Yes we get so involved in our lives, that the ill and the elderly slip in, or fall in, to the back of our mind and hover on the periphery. We even become afraid to be in relationship with them. In my description of my grand girl’s growth did you notice a shift in attention? She is doing so well that we leave her to do her own thing and see her only on special occasions Maybe she was struggling with something during college but she hasn’t visited family or attended church for a while so no one knew. Maybe she had abuse controlling her life or anxiety making up her mind. She continued walking through her days with her head held high, her broken heart hidden behind her smile in the last family photo. If you aren’t paying attention you will miss the prayer requests for her and assume that her absence is of no great concern. You are not culpable. You are busy taking care of your self. You are volunteering at the school, maybe at church. You have toddlers or teens, or both (I did once, no kidding) and a job, and your energy is maxed out. Her life is not your business.
Her grief is heavy and almost unbearable. What no one knows is that her loss includes a broken marriage, unmanageable debt, shaky faith, insecurities, fear and hopelessness that anything will improve. The burden of grief/loss, has been growing for years and she tells no one. When the diagnosis is confirmed she tells no one. Who wanted to know of her other struggles? Why is this latest thing any different?
Grief is loss. Loss is grief. I’m hesitant to talk about this because I’m no expert but I really want to share what I know so far. In my situation it’s the loss of skill, physical ability, income, freedom to come and go, freedom to serve and help, relationships. My so-called Real Life was lost to me the day that I realized the severity of this disease. In the beginning I hated the pity on a friend’s face. Humiliation was so painful that I hid and refused invitations. Explanation made me cry so I avoided it. No one needed to see me cry I reasoned. (Actually they did need to see me cry so that they could cry too...) Visits and invitations slowed to almost nothing. I was a terrible friend and too sad for socializing. In their busy, full lives there was no room to care for someone like me. I blamed no one. My languishing was not because I was afraid of death. In fact, I hoped God would hurry up and take me home.
What is left in life for me anyway, I thought. My shyness was erased by music.(Ha! Bet you don’t believe that I was ever shy lol) Now I couldn’t play or sing. My skill was gone, and with it my ability to converse. I love homemaking but I could not move to do anything with my home. Teaching required energy that I didn’t have. Hospitality, likewise. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself when things got even worse. I realized I couldn’t wash my hair, and I needed to be showered. I couldn’t dress myself. This body and these hands that had been so capable, became unreliable and twisted. I stopped driving. I stopped working. Life was more bleak than I had ever known.
The final blow to my ego was the need for help getting out of bed, into or off of.a chair, on or off the toilet. I was challenged that it was my fault, this terror. I didn’t ever believe that, but doubt lodged a wee war in my heart that caused me to despair again and again.
It took a couple of years but I finally came to grips with my loss. Grief, humiliation and despair took shape as constant companions in that war in my heart. I fought back with prayer. I began to accept my condition and implored God to change me, be with me and use me in spite of it. In time, I don’t know how long, I saw that my Self was boss, and ego ruled, even though I had relinquished control of my life to God a long time ago. Friends, if you do not share my faith in a living, benevolent God who created me, loves me and is my Heavenly Father, you might want to skip this next bit. If you skip it you are missing the best part of the story.
The best part is when I realized that while all of the ministry, service and stuff that I did was very good, it’s not what He wanted. He wanted me, the real me without ability, skill or anything. Wow. Me. He took my suffering and used it to change me. I don’t know how or why, but He did. I know that once I was blind to my heart condition, blind to the need for control and perfection in my works, and now I see.
All who get caught up in their own lives and miss the need of their fellow man are blind to the power of the self life. They like the way they are and they relax with the status quo. They believe in the same benevolent Father as I do and they do good works. Lots of them. But this is striving. Friends, there is nothing to be gained by striving to be like Jesus. We are to look at Him in His Word instead. It’s in looking at Him and studying Him that we grow to be like Him.
