Making music is good for the soul. How do you describe what “not” doing it is like? I have instruments that I know and understand, and I can sing a bit. I hope that practice will strengthen my diaphragm and my singing will improve. That encourages me. However, I have a great need to play an instrument. I sing better, and it’s fun to make music come from a thing! Guitar or dobro can be played with the arm and hand above the strings. Dobro is made for it and I quite enjoy playing, but I don’t have one. My guitar is languishing in the closet, daring me to play. I will have to learn how to tune to a key. If Joni Mitchell can do it I suppose I can. I could use a slide thing (I used to have a glass one that I put on my pinkie but it’s disappeared) and I have an idea of how to play chords, but my understanding is truly minimal. My mandolin and violin are going to be passed on to my children. 

I am so awfully sad (anguished..) that I can’t play. When I first asked about playing violin I was a university music student and I was told that I was too old. I was 18. She could have explained that she meant that my ability to excel was limited by the maturity of my muscles. If I’d known that it was just a body thing I would have taken it on anyway. I’m still in love with the music of the violin. I was happy to find that fiddle community welcomes all ages and abilities, and I’m very grateful that I had the opportunity to learn from many fine musicians in both the classical and folk communities. I have always loved the emotion in fiddle music. Is there anything that the fiddle can’t sing? One of the few times that I sat to watch tv was to see Don Messer’s Jubilee. The songs were easy to find on my accordion and I enjoyed the challenge. Playing the fancy chord fills was something to behold lol! A few folk/country singers appealed to me, too, but limited access made it hard to learn. Records were a waste of time and money in my family;no amount of pleading ever changed that. 

I still enjoy listening to the country music of the 60s and 70s. Actually, I guess my interest is wider than an era or genre. Good music happens in every genre and decade, don’t you think? I wanted a guitar so I could play and sing like the professionals. There was a guy at school, Tom Wilson, who was really entertaining, singing and playing guitar. I never saw him after he graduated, but I thought about him because he never wavered in his commitment to being a professional musician. It was exciting to realise that he had found the success that he was pursuing, and that he eventually got his life together without drugs. His music is sometimes too much for me. It gets loud and busy. I listen to his band (it is maybe not his band? No matter...)Blackie and the Rodeo Kings . What are your favourite Blackie and the Rodeo Kings songs? I have not been taken with any particular one. I’d be able to name it if I really like it, though who knows these days. Words and I fight often. Names are the worst. If it’s been a while since we talked, be kind lol. I might need a gentle hint to get my memory caught up with the present! This is a phenomenon of older age, for sure, and it will happen to you too. I can’t say that I am accustomed to being old before my time but I try to be light hearted about it. My condition is unusual and rare. I love to educate anyone who is interested, so don’t be shy to ask.

Begging for a piano was fruitless, hence the totally uncool accordion. I’m still grateful that my mother lobbied for me. Accordion lessons took me to grade 6 Conservatory. Honestly! I played exams up to grade 6 level and then put my accordion away in favour of the trumpet. An older friend played so I decided that it wasn’t too weird for a girl to play. I turned out to be pretty good at the trumpet and eventually played it in every band that I had time for, including the local youth orchestra. My class was the first for our teacher. She was a very good teacher and inspired us to work hard, empowering us to reach higher than we ever thought we could. She helped me with extra tutoring to play the grade 6 and grade 8 exams. Every aspect of the exam was exciting for me. Ear training, sight reading and theory were food to me! The music, all music, became more and more vital to my life and health. I touched every kind of music that a North American would hear, and some world music too. The music of the Christian Church was very dear to my heart back then but I was not exclusive. Jazz was very exciting and everything from the baroque era spoke to me of the greatness that mere humans can reach, creating some of the best music I’ve ever heard. Is it too opinionated to say that it is the best music ever written? I have not listened to the new “classical” music so it’s possible that I’ve missed some. Tell me about it, will you? 

That young teacher saved my life. She believed in me and my ability to make music, and she was always encouraging. She helped me explore and find what I was capable of but,  most important, she made me aware of the inherent value of life, my life, and assured me that I would not always be shy, insecure and physically awkward. She was right, of course, except that I am still very shy. I still use strategies that she taught me. Most of my adult friends likely don’t even know that I’m shy. During the part of my life that I was playing, performing and teaching I was never without my instruments. The instrument is what made me bold. I am not a great guitar player but when I am playing and singing I am (almost) fearless. The same is true of every instrument that I have tried, and I’ve tried everything. 

I planned to excel at my fiddle (old age should never stop anyone), mandolin and guitar. They work with the voice and lean into the folk/country/old time music that I love. Swing too! Carrying a piano is too hard (I eventually acquired one and developed skill up to grade 6, enough to play along with a vocalist, find melodies and their harmony and teach general music skills to my kids and whoever else dared to learn with me) and piano players are everywhere so I figured I’d do the other stuff. Every song wants a different sound so the variety was really handy. I played Irish whistle, low and high (thanks Sandy! You will never know the depth of love and joyful celebration to which you brought me while learning that real music is in me not on the page...), bodhran, middle eastern drum and many other percussion things along with the accordion and the strings that I loved. I also learned how to sing with my real voice (Pharis Romero, oh my... I am so glad to have met you and I am privileged to have worked with you for a brief but brilliant while. It’s fun to say “I knew you when..” and it’s exciting to watch you and Jason grow, getting well-deserved recognition.) as well as how fun and easy it is to sing harmony. 

I learned so much from so many that I can’t begin to list them all. Some folks became good friends (Bev, Amber, Ed, Paula, Tracy, Philip, Mo, Edna,Mitch, Mercedes, Dave...) that I played with often and learned from. Some of the luckiest folks enjoyed my music enough to put me in the band (Bob, Guy and Barrie. It was great fun to be the only girl in the band..) and many new-to-me friends joined me in performance at the numerous workshops I attended. Oh, just in case you have never attended a week or two full immersion programme for learning and performing your music, do it now! I am a perfect example of what can happen “later”. I dropped off the musical earth for a long time, thinking that my kids needed my undivided attention. I was wrong. They didn’t need me that much, at least not the 20 years I gave them. Yes, I have a lot of kids, and I was extremely busy with them, but I am a better person with music in my life. I would have been a better, happier person, a better partner and a much better parent had I stayed involved with the thing that had always filled me. 

My friend must have understood this, something that I was not quite aware of. She convinced me that yes, I did have an extra $50 and I had to go to the class.  I found the house, walked in and met my people! I was so comfortable in the music environment, learning and growing in all aspects of life,that I refer to that 4 years as my university education. Shyness disappeared! I felt like I could do anything! Music flowed from every part of me. My intention to Be The Musician That God Made Me began to happen at that class. I soon began jamming with the locals, playing and singing at church and performing at the odd open mic where nerves tempted me to believe I couldn’t do it. Opportunity to play and learn was everywhere. I loved it. It was rich and full. It was how life should be. 

I am grateful that I had this opportunity and a supportive family encouraging me. My plan for my older age, the age when my kids were grown and flown, was to continue playing, singing and learning while travelling with my husband to festivals all over the continent. Going south in the winter and north in the summer appealed to both of us. John likes camping (and me!) so he would tolerate the music. I wanted to experience the music, meet people and keep learning. At the end of the day I would be happily alongside my beloved. What could be better!? I even had him considering my favourite summer workshop (NimbleFingers. Check it out!). It was all planned. I turned 50 and by the time I was 55 we would be able to carry out our happy retirement plan. 

But it didn’t happen. It was soon after turning 50 that I knew that not all was well with me. I was making mistakes that just shouldn’t happen. My hand hurt, then my elbow. When my shoulder started disagreeing with my violin I got worried. I rested, saw the local bone doctor and rested some more. In fear and trembling I asked my go for a basic neurology test. It was worse than I thought. A diagnosis was a long, fretful time coming and it hit with a bang, knowledge with potential to kill. It would not kill me but I would wish it did. I would not live to see 60. Do my bucket list. Write to my people. Etc. I’m thinking, how bad could it be? Maybe he’s wrong. I can handle it.

Well, it’s bad. It’s worse than the warnings. I have wished to be done. I had no bucket list. Playing music was what I wanted to do and it was not very long before I could not perform. Soon, I could not hold down a string, no matter what I tried. In the first year I had to quit working because I kept falling. By the anniversary of the diagnosis I was barely moving. Playing music was impossible. The next year I needed help with every-day personal care. Then my body began to really argue. The twisting affect of wrong messaging turned my foot so badly that I could not walk. And while this was happening I was suffering greater loss of self than I thought possible. Circumstances forced us to sell our property and return to our prairie home. I was sad for my beloved.He loved that place. I expected that the end  was near and that my husband would find his way back to the island, so I was comforted. I was wrong again!

The story has become too long but with one thing and another I am still here. I’m still sick but I can walk, talk, swallow food and open my hand enough to pick things up occasionally. I can sing a bit! I need a lot of help and when I’m discouraged I remember how much better I am, and I’m grateful. I have a few friends that I can call on, and more that I know are cheering for me. My kids have grown into wonderful, happy adults and parents, and my husband is still my biggest fan. We love our neighborhood and our community. I’m thinking about trying to play music again. With help, who knows...