My daughter, , for instance, confessed that she was not a Christian when she was in early adolescence. I brought her and Emto another community  to go to high-school in 2012. Our boys were all living here in the house so the move was was more than going to school. I wanted them to know their brothers well. I suspected that I was suffering the beginnings of something serious, as well, and I didn’t want the girls and their education to be neglected because of my issues. Looking back I realise that I was ill but I was unhappy too, and I was not open about that with John, or anyone. Our marriage was not in trouble, as was the speculation gossip, but it was suffering my grief and fear over losing my “life “ to this disease. Learning that the disease itself won’t kill me, but I’ll wish it did, focused my thoughts sharply on the girls. I needed to finish well with them and couldn’t afford the time to wait for John. His work/ministry was intense and consuming. He couldn’t drop it and drive away. I believe I did right thing. J supported the plan, facilitated the move and paid our way. We began to live away during the school year and go home to be with with J and our son and his family, on holiday time. I worked at the school and we lived in what was meant to be the garage of our house.

That was a mistake. It was simply too easy for the girls to slip in and out noiselessly. After living in the country where you couldn’t go anywhere on foot, they were able to go everywhere! Walking revolutionised their life! I expected that but I expected honesty, respect for authority and obedience too. I wonder if I simply gave them too much autonomy, too quickly. School was not my thing and I made it clear that they would succeed or fail on their own. I would not tolerate complaint, blame, neglect of duty or attacks on the family foundation. G and E understood and agreed. Responsible attention to study was important at school (as it was in home learning) and the maturity to stand on one’s own moral Christian feet was evident, or so we thought.

G was placed in grade 10 and E eventually landed in grade 9 at the Christian school. G jstarted off well, willing to learn, study and grow in the Christian school environment but it didn’t take long before disillusionment set in. Her Christian people up until then were honest, wholesome, loving and wise. We talked extensively about the fact that Christians don’t always believe, think and act the same way. They knew, or should have, that Christian people are imperfect sinners and that the only difference between a believer and a pagan, in his heart, is knowing it! 

Christian school as a first experience outside of the home learning environment hurt my girls.  In the first month it became very clear why we had kept them home. Out home is superior in every way!

 S had warned them about this and his experience was helpful but it was not enough to inform me. Maybe I was stubbornly hanging on to an ideal. Maybe it was my direction and  plan, not God’s. I don’t think so. I sought the Lord for months on the matter and I know that He wanted them there.

However,  staff and teachers disappointed us.  They should have been better. We experienced inconsistent, unkind and punitive behaviour. The girls would have succeeded because the adult expectations  were near, clear and honest. Sadly, they were not. Kids are smart! Young adults 14 - 18 years of age are more than smart. They are brilliant. 

At this stage of life, everything is worth examination. Everything (body, intellect, passion, spirituality, wisdom, knowledge, skill, preference....everything human) is growing like the infant years. In this new coming alive, every effort to live openly and honestly before God and man is rewarded, and the excitement and zeal for life is encouraged. This is true in a healthy parent/child relationship. As fill-in parents it ought also to be true of our teachers and the schools in which they congregate.  Every person in the school relationship is responsible for the social, emotional, psychological, spiritual and physical growth of the young people assigned to their care. Indeed, this is true of any relationship between people of different ages, skills and life-knowledge. Many of the people that the girls rubbed shoulders with appeared, sadly, to dislike their students. They expected the youth to respond to conflict, aggression, issues and needs the same way as the adults did. They expected from these brilliant, lovely people what can only be known once one has lived through  the experience, loss or suffering of sin in the world: righteousness, a faithful, not fearful response and attitude based on the facts of God’s Word. They expected them to live like mature adults, but did not respect them as anything but children. Instead of looking for every bit of kindness, aptitude, leadership or Christian example and cheering them on to bigger and better, mature life by affirmation and congratulation, they acted like the Youth must be captured, subdued, and forced to accept the status quo.  By default they would then stay within the lines, like in the colouring books. They would also arrive at the graduation destination as copies of the same person, a product of the school. Autonomy is a threat to this kind of leadership. Christian school leadership is as guilty of this careless, mean-spirited manner as any public school, we soon discovered.

In spite of the short-comings, G and E stayed in school. E studied and applied herself to the task of school Education without giving her life away to the place. She saw  the system for what it was, only slightly more than child care, seemingly content to reproduce the same person over and over. She refused to be a part of the wheel. E was her own wheel. She encouraged and affirmed her peers to grow and be the person that God called them to be. G was not so inclined. 

Sadly, G responded by “trying to be good” and doing what she thought necessary to win the love and respect of the School Adults. She was in trouble All The Time. She asked hard questions and was called a problem when the Adult wouldn’t or couldn't answer. her.  Her creativity spilled out freely and generously, and was criticised by the Adults for being moody, out of bounds and not worth sharing. Her sense of right and wrong was well developed and she flaunted that muscle often, landing her in the defiant, won’t-accept-authority camp. Her opinion (well thought out, intelligent and pushing the envelope towards fullness of life) was judged, corrected and buried. She was publicly shamed at school as well. Once is too often, really. My dear, sensitive, happy G was a frequent target for shame and ridicule because she challenged the status quo. I challenge my People and my World the same way. I’m a little better at discussion and argument, simply because I have more experience. She is gifted with the ability to speak, teach and persuade. Instead of helping her to her best self, school damaged her and changed her life. She went from confident intelligence with the ability to assess and correct her environment,  to being a doubtful agnostic, maybe even atheistic in her response to the  world. I think, but I’m no expert, that because the Adults in her school were the same Bible Believing, Born Again Christians that she attended church with, she was confused and eventually developed a distaste for all things Christian. She tried on every thought that came her way, tossing her onto many theological rocks and separating her from those who really loved and accepted her. Joy, humour, intelligent conversation and pleasant demeanour gave way to fear, sadness, self protection and a surly stubbornness that kept her alone and locked up. She was angry and full of fear, in spite of the loving home and intentional parenting that she grew up with. The school was not a place of loving nurture, like our home was. The people there betrayed her trust and devotion, and turned her away from the God that they claim to worship. She was utterly miserable. She gave up more than once, even considering suicide as an option. I don’t want to admit it, but I think the school failed her. 

Thankfully my dear daughter made better choices, finally, in grade 12, began to face her fears and realised that all that is good comes from God. She began to hear with different ears that our hope is in Christ alone and that He promises power, love and a sound mind. Her tendency to hide away is strong and rarely challenged. She fears ill health, probably because of me and the way I handled this disease in early days.  She reaches out to a friend or a fun experience instead of looking into God’s Word. She fights the world. . She  wanders in and out of love for God, her husband and her daughter. I have accepted this and I’m willing to wait for her to ask me for help. . Every part of me wants to get into her life  but my part is done for now. . I can’t parent her that way anymore. I pray instead.