Complaints

On top of everything else I have a sore tooth.  And no way to fix it.  There is also a crying doll in our house for dear daughter to comfort for some sort of school project. Neither of us slept. The kitchen is a mess, the floor shows the mud of spring and bathrooms need attention.  I can't do anything about any of it.

I don't know if I should push myself more or be ok with someone else taking this stuff on.  It's my work but I last about 10 minutes before I crash.  Using my hands hurts.  Standing hurts.  Bending, lifting, reaching all hurts.  And fatigue? Through all my worst moments I've never known this.  Rest brings no energy.  Even eating gives no satisfaction because it's so hard to do.  My hands can either hold a book or turn the page, not both. Tying shoelaces, doing up buttons and closing zippers is getting harder every day.  I know what little kids feel like as they fumble through new tasks.

Yesterday I was more than a little anxious when I had a hard time with the button on my  jeans.  And washing my hair?  It was hard to do when my fingers stopped working. Now it's hard to hold my arms up so it takes forever to do a good job.  My list of abilities is shorter as my disabilities increase.  I can still shuffle-walk but I have handicap parking privileges. I can talk/write but I lose words.  I can hold a drink only if I can reach it close by with my right hand.  You know those big bibs at the care home? Yup, almost.

Today I have a little clarity and humor.  It's going to get worse and going along with it is easier.  Trying to be the old me is just too hard, physically.  Some days, like yesterday, emotionally me is not happening either.   Spiritually I'm in and out of God, angry, sad and trusting at the same time.  Didn't know that was possible? It's me.

Worries and concerns overwhelm me and battle with truth, making the bad things much too big. At the same time I hear my Father say be still and I remember He is sovereign.  He's got it all under control. I don't have to.

This path. ...