I spent the weekend with 40+ women. Our purpose was to retreat from daily life for rest and study. These gatherings always inspire me and scare me too with the uncertain comforts. When I first started taking time away I was shocked to discover I didn't know me very well. This weekend was different. I realized I've spent years around some of these women and barely know them. How does this happen? I know where they live, what they do and where they worship but I don't know them.
Our teacher pointed out that People are this way with God, too. We tend to know all about him and believe in him, but not know him. If I have a hard time knowing People , and I do, how much more difficult is it to know God? I really want to know people but I'm afraid of what they see and that they won't like me. I can't believe I just said that - just like being 10 and wondering where I fit, I'm still afraid. I miss out on knowing People because I'm afraid.
I think I'm still afraid of God, too. Now that I've got this thing happening in my body I get angry with him, too, and I wonder does he really love me, even when I'm angry? What about when I fail to thank him for the numerous little gifts ? Or when I'm so sad I hide out and think he doesn't see me?
These days I'm brought back to the beginning when I get confused like that. The beginning is knowing he loves me and he always will. He knows me and is ok with who I am. He knows my big picture. I want to know, and take charge, and i can't. When I recall his great love for me I don't ' need ' to and that's a great comfort.
That's my big profoundness for the day. I'm tired and I've only been awake for an hour. That's what happens when the basal ganglia are diseased. Stamina, temperature control and motor skills (among other things) fail relentlessly, until nothing works. Right now I'm covered in blankets and still cold. My left hand seizes up when I try to use it and rolling over or out of bed frustrates me, it's so hard. There is no comparison. I've always been able to do anything I wanted to do. Now everything is a struggle.
There is no poison in anger. As you suspect, it is just one more thing that God can and does bless us with. Anger sharpens our resolve and its gift is strength. Don't be afraid of angering God. He loves you anyway. Don't feel ashamed of anything. That is not a gift, it is distraction from his love.You are not a mistake. You are being perfected in Him. Even now.
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