Treasure hunting in thrift stores is fun. Today I just couldn't. Looking through racks takes two hands and my back was hurting so in the spirit of redeeming the time I looked for a puzzle. It's supposed to be good for my brain and my hands. Here I am trying to pick up and place the pieces for a mountain vista and all I can think about is the time we took our kids to a place like this. One of them got in a temper and ran off. When we found him I was cross and frustrated with how our day was 'ruined'. It took a lot of years of practice before I stopped freaking out at every little thing. It's always been hard for me to keep perspective when stuff goes wrong even though I'm confident things will balance out.
Balance has new meaning now. Life tips into the painful and confusing daily, with fatique and sadness close by. Until I got sick I thought I knew how to live well, keeping a happy balance of difficulties and dreams. Now I know I don't know much at all. My balance was always in doing. Now I have to think of other ways and I don't know what they are. I don't know who I am without my doings. Will I be set aside? What about the hopes and dreams that would keep me going on difficult days? Eternal perspective is more real than ever but I still distract myself with mindless wanderings into'what if' and 'why'. Like that day in the mountains I'm cross and frustrated instead of looking at the potential for good things. No balance.
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