We read the book together, my children and I. it was a long time ago and it stayed with me. I found the title thoughtful. The Very Last First Time. Yeah so what does that mean? Starting again, over and over, and then knowing it's the last first time because there is more of the same doing of a thing. I try to think of my life in terms of first times and fresh starts but lately it's harder and harder to do. Today for instance I enjoyed the company of extended family. I tried to think of it as a fun first time but I know it's one of my last times. How is this group going to happen again? Watching the littles play, telling childhood stories, comparing family traits and sharing our history is one of my bests. It's so ...Life. It's one of my first last times.
It feels somehow morbid to talk like this so I don't, but I'd like to verbalize. Won't everyone else get burdened to discomfort? Is talking true truth about expecting to die ok?
I don't get opportunity yet to talk. I mean, really, I'm still trying to live, but I'd like to know about death too. I'm ready to meet my earthly end but the to-do list is still long. There are numerous last good byes as I visit, call or write those I care about. There are I Love Yous to be said in word and deed. There are books to read, sounds to hear and songs to sing. I have projects to finish and children to send into the world (will they be ready, these youngest of mine not quite grown? ). How do I do these first last things? I need help with this.
There has to be the first last time for everything. Right?
Today was glorious. I enjoyed the good food, little children, family ties, and listening to hopes and dreams. It was a good last time. Oh I know I may be wrong. It may not in fact be so but if I think of it this way it helps me to live presently instead of futurely. In the moment I'm there without any thought but joy. That made it a glorious day. That's weird since it used to be starting and hoping and planning that excited me.
Hmm. Random oddness runs through my head at the end of the day and I don't know up from down. It was just a splendid thought full day. Very last first times and very first last times.
Do we look for another?
ReplyDeleteThis has less to do with your topics than it does about how your path weighs on my prayers; my thoughts.
Many of my “FB friends” are not believers or even avowed atheists, this question is one that makes me wonder about not only their hope, but hope in general. The question came to my mind when I pondered the option of believing in nothing. Like the Kin Beach at low ebb, believing in nothing strikes me as just as plausible as believing that the tide will never flow even though it has always done so. But isn’t it interesting that even though that predictable pattern is historically accurate, that there is still the thought…. the possibility that it will not always be so.
Believing in Christ is an interesting venture because in many ways we are just as “bent” in believing that the tide won’t flow as those who can walk down to the beach, have a momentary consideration of the status of the water, and walk away believing that nothing will change.
John’s disciples were at a similar juncture. They knew about Jesus; had been there at his baptism; at the proclamation “Behold the Lamb of God”. They were of no illusion about John’s death. No happy end ever came out of these things, and both they and John were wondering about Christ’s authenticity; about whether he had the credentials to change the laws of nature, let alone the laws of sin and death.
Christ still had to change the latter, but he had already showed his capacity by playing with the laws of nature. He was showing what can be done with the tides.
He replied to them “Go tell Yohannan everything that you have seen and that you have heard; that they who were blind are seeing, and they who were lame are walking, and they who were lepers are cleansed, and they who were deaf are hearing, and they who were dead are raised, and those who were poor are given Good News.”(Aramaic Bible in Plain English)
Do we wait for the tide, do we deny there is one, or do we look for another? Then they went back and reported what they had found to a man, like Christ, also under a death sentence.
Blessings on you Kimberly
My Dad rocked dying. He knew his time was short when he was diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis, and he LOVED all those "last time" moments. He relished them. He did ridiculous things because he knew it was his only time to do them. Did you know he appointed himself marshal of the Three Hills parade a few months before he died? He grabbed a bunch of Canada flags from the dollar store, and then drove his scooter at the front of the parade waving and shaking hands with a big goofy smile on his face. Ridiculous. And awesome.
ReplyDeleteKim, enjoy the moments! There is nothing wrong with knowing they may be the last ones. This perhaps fills them with a deeper meaning, with a more pure joy.
Your dad inspires me
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